Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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