I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
