i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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