Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
