there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
