did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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