I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
