I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize