May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
from now on my penis is your penis
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
