dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
