we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
