Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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