Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I love you.
Bad choice
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