My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
