my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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