I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
sarcasm needs its own font
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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