It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize