can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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