He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
