Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Houston, we have a squirter
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
