Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
