Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
