Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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