the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
