Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
COCAINE IS GR8
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