it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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