I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
