I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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