Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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