Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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