Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
