out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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