I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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