first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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