Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize