And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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