A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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