i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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