well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
This toilet bowl is my home.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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