the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
