Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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