i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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