the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
