you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
