My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
