God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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