i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So squirting runs in the family.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
