My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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