Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Randomize
