You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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