Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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