it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
If I die, sorry about rent.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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