I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
