after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I deserve this hangover.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
