Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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