then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
