this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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