I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
