I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Ladies don't puke and tell
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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