He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
