DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
