yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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