That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I looked at my own cervix.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
